A freedom song for Miguna Miguna. (the Dholuo vason)

A freedom song for Miguna Miguna. (the Dholuo vason)

Miguna woses dises,
Miguna plucks the fiss ..sorry I mean the chiken,
Miguna gets up aali,
Beds his stomak down in the kichen,
Miguna twenti ears old,
Miguna yoo

Sins he was saspended as ODM advaisori politisian
Miguna needs no pay,
While he wear his muslim hat his daughter can work
Selling unprintables online every sunny day:
With her little earnings see supports
Miguna yoo

Miguna sly and jelaas,
Bad exampol to the NASA paati members
Sins he minds them, like a tikteta
Wants their attenson, praise and worsip
Miguna thati ears old.
Miguna yoo

Now Nairobi ODM nominason is gone
Miguna has no paati to pander.
Do I keep him, Do I need him,
Pay attention to his Gavana wanna-be hogwas,
All for progress: arent you grateful
Miguna yoo

Visitas need much attenson,
All the more when we work night.
The boy spends too long at press konferens,
Who will teach him what is right?
Miguna is raising fifti ears,
Miguna yoo

Miguna has called Sonko a village idiot
aaii yawa, so we know that he is bad.
Fifty fifty he may savaiv
And repeat the the insult again
Watch your clueless brains,
Miguna yoo

Miguna will soon be replaced.
Words and books more than all
He wrote in such a narrow life
Will be summed up in two lines in gutter press
Miguna gone to political oblivion in Canada..
Miguna yoo

By
Marjorie Oludhe Macgoye. Re-mixed by jmburus

Kikuyu Goat Eating Traditions

I will try to describe the practices and traditions regarding how a Kikuyu goat was eaten from the little I know. Feel free to correct, argue and insert the missing info

NOTE: Whenever a goat is slaughtered for whatever occasion there are some traditions that are followed during its preparation and consumption.

The carcass , the tripe and the inside organs of a goat / cow or sheep are delicacies in several African cultures. I will try to describe the little I know from the Kikuyu (Kyuk) culture as I have seen it TODAY. ( so expect a couple of western culture issues that will be inserted).

The whole things started early in the morning on the day of the occasion where the young men of the host homestead would wake up get the goat (or goats) and setup a semi-butchery – cum – kitchen at one corner of the backyard .. away from the main area where guests would be seated. Their main utensils would be a sharp knife, sufurias, water container, several fresh banana leaves, salt, firewood, a grill, chopping board etc etc ..

One would light up a fire … while the others killed the goat …

1. When the throat is sliced open the blood is drained into some container like a karai or bucket that has SALT in it. The salt keeps the blood from clotting up or drying out completely in globes and preserves it in jelly like form. This blood had its purposes .. explained later in this article

2.The carcass is then hang up with the hind legs. The head (kiongo) and hooves (mahungu) are then cut off. The head and hooves are then roasted in hot coal fire to burn the hair off. Once the hair is burnt off, one then removes the burnt hair by scrapping the surface of the head and hooves with a knife. These are then washed and put in a huge sufuria with water to boil the whole day…. this is actually the SOUP and BOILED MEAT that you will eat and drink at the end of the MBUZI session.

3. The carcase is then skinned. The skin (rua) can be spread up to dry on the sun using pegs . It ends up being a ka- nice door mat or carpet or it is used to make those drum tables u see in several kikuyu homes.

4. The skin can also be used as a surface /tray to hold the “Matumbo” as they are being removed from the carcass. That way you dont soil alot of utensils. Back at home in Nyeri we also use banana leaves as containers / clean surface to hold the “matumbos”

5. Once the goat is skinned one then removes the matumbos. When I say matumbos I mean.. the lungs, the heart, the intestines, the stomachs, the liver , pancrease, kidneys , rectum etc etc.

These are kept aside in the containers in point 3 above for the veterinary doctor / meat inspector to examine before he allows the carcass to be eaten. The lungs and the pancreas are given to the dogs after the vet has examined them.

6. Once the vet has given a go ahead the carcass is cut up into pieces according to tradition. The ribs (mbaru), the abdominal cavity covering (múrote kana ngaî), the front legs with shoulders (moko na ciade), The hind legs (maguru), the hips (ruhonge), the liver (ini), the kidneys (higo) are kept aside as the main pieces to be roasted to what y’all know as “NYAMA CHOMA”. Traditionally these were the parts that were served to the guests and the other persons at the occasion and one of the hips (ruhonge) plus the murote used to go to the one who slaughterd and prepared the goat (muthinji or athinji).

7. Now the neck and the back and the excess fat under the skin and at the tail were given to the one of the young men to cut up into small pieces and cook “WENYE” (I will be coming to this in point 8 below). The bare bones of the neck and the back would then be thrown into the sufuria in point 2 above as part of the soup ingredients. This was because the neck and back have many bones and tendons making them not very enjoyable as nyama choma.

8. WENYE: The men normally cook the neck and back meat together with vegetables like Dhania, onions, biriganya, garlic, carrots, bitter herbs, spinach or capsicums or green pepper, red chilli (optional). They would then add the salted BLOOD in point 1 above and the excess fat in point 7 above.

Now this fatty ,but very sweet mixture is let to fry in its own fat under low heat. This is what will eventually go INSIDE the “MUTURA” and “NGERIMA” and other “sausages” .. got it ?

The excess wenye could be served on a plate to jammaz to eat.

CAUTION.. never eat too much of wenye coz you will spend the night running to the latrine… heh heh heh

9. The kidneys were traditionally roasted over coals and were strictly eaten by only the little girls (Age 10 and below) in the homestead.

10. The heart, the spleen and the liver were roasted too and served to the grannys and grandpas or any other elderly person . This is coz they are soft and more palatable to the elders who normally don’t have the front teeth to ng’ang’ana with ribs and other “meat on bone” nyama choma.

11. The front legs and shoulders were roasted too and anyone could partake of them. The shoulder (kiande) has symbolic value in Kikuyu marriage. In a kyuk marriage ceremony at the brides home the groom symbolically cut the kiande to symbolize that he has “married” (kúhikania kuma múciî) from that home and the fact that he has been give one and a knife to cut it means that he has been accepted by the bride’s family.

Believe it or not “gutinia kiande” …. is the symbolic act of a Kikuyu Wedding. Once the couple cut the kiande.. they are officially married as per Kikuyu traditions … ie they are recognized as husband n wife and are free to live together, have kids etc etc.

The ceremony where the kiande was cut is called “Nguraririo” .. This ceremony sometimes occurs after the bridegroom has inspect a line of covered n hooded women .. and successfully Identified the gal he wants to marry .. and he better get it right .. otherwise !! wacha tu !

Anyway back to the story ….

Some kyuks keep that marriage tradition to date others just kula the mbuzi the way one normally kulas a burger at McDonalds, then the scatter without “cutting the shoulder” as tradition demands.

12. NOW: Another crazy tradition is that the person who kulas the meat attached to the “Shoulder Blade Bone”.. that ka- flat – triangular bone .. I think we used to call it “SCAPULA or somethin in biology “.. that person who kulas that bone MUST toboa a hole in the flat surface of that bone. I dont know what this HULLABALOO is all about, BUT we are normally told that IF you kula a mbuzi with the WAZEES and you you fail to do that and you will be CHARGED a FINE of another GOAT ON THE SPOT !.. damn ! . Personally I dont ask why.. I just toboa the bloody hole…

12. The hind legs and the ribs are roated and served to everyone.

13. The intestines: (mara)

Normally these were cleaned and all the shyte was removed from them by literally “milking the tripe and shyte out” .. in Kikuyu we say “kúmiria mara”. This was done without piercing the intestines… as in .. the person doing it had to push the shyte from the “stomach” end of the intestines to the rectum end then wash the whole thing inside out. Nowadays in the age of pressurized water we normally just attach a hose to one end and pump all the shyte out.. The duodenum and colon parts of the intestines form the skin of the MUTURA. .. They are normally tied on one end… turned inside out.. then filled with the wenye in point 8 above.. tied on the other end so that it is sealed… then thrown into the soup sufuria to boil for a while before being roasted/dried in low coal heat.

The rest of the intestines were normally roasted. This is what many kyuks call “mara”…

14. The stomachs (mahu) : These are normally washed inside out and either roasted or cooked as stew. This is what y’all know as matumbo. Now a goat or cow (ruminant) has 4 stomachs namely, the rumen, the reticulum, the omasum and the abomasum. The Abomasum is what is called “gakuo kaingî “. This one is normally hard to wash coz it has several layers. Jammaz normally give up the washing and kula it semi-clean with kidogo dung… heh heh heh.

I will now discuss the “Sausages” (“NDUNDIRO” )

15. NGERIMA: The omasum stomach is the one that makes “NGERIMA”. Have you ever heard of a decicacy called “Thenga Twarie”.. this is the same thing.. Imagine a sausage .. the shape of an oval ball.. that what it looks like. “Thenga twarie” in kikuyu means “move away ..we want to talk” or “excuse us we want to talk privately”..

This is what the selfish wazees used to tell their wives and children when “NGERIMA” was about to be served so that the wazees end up eating the NGERIMA alone.. got it ? heh heh heh

16. MURURA : The duodenum and colon parts of the intestines form the skin of the MUTURA. .. and are normally tied on one end… turned inside out.. then filled with the wenye in point 8 above.. tied on the other end so that it is sealed… then thrown into the soup sufuria to boil for a while before being roasted/dried in low coal heat. It is normally cut up in slice when being served… kinda like salami…

17. “NDUNDIRO” = is a general word reffering to mutura and ngerima.. and any other sausage like delicacy..

18. SOUP : (thubu) Towards the end of the feasting… the sufuria in point 2 above becomes the center of attention especially for those we call ” andú a kúheha na kîgwa ” yaani TUSKER drunkards like me. The the rich and thick soup involved is the best you have ever tasted… it beats oxtail with herbs any time. Infact it sobers me up faster that than coffee or mama kali (my chic in bytch mode).

So … the soup is poured in a jar like container and stirred using a spinning stirrer called a ” kîbîri gîa thubu”. It is then served in mugs and one is left to add their own salt to taste.. . One can also eat the now boiled and very soft meat that is scattered in the soup sufuria.

19. After the goat is over one thanked whoever threw the goat party by spitting on their chests as a blessing to the person.

There you are… that is the little I know about goat eating in kikuyu tradition…

Nyimbo cia Kirabu – Muugithi Music

Waigua nîúgúthiî, niî ndikúnyitîteWaigua nîúgúthiî, ndari wîna marúaTiga kúndwara shu shu shu ndwara she sheReke ndîthúwe harîa niî ngwîkinyîraWaigua nîúgúthiî, niî ndikúnyitîteWaigua nîúgúthiî, ndari wîna marúaTiga kúndwara shu shu shu ndwara she sheReke ndîthúwe harîa niî ngwîkinyîra

===========================================

mwomboko – by Wagatonye (1953))
Mucemanio wari kawangware, ndundu mugwanja cia mihuni
Mwanake tetio ngiri ithatu ii, na itangi ria maai
Mwanake wakuma na cukuru, itangi ria maai ekuruta ku
Na ngombe igiri cia ngirindi ii, kaba guikara uguo

Tugiikuruka gia Kangocho, gutiri waragiria uria ungi
no rendi imwe ya negenaga ii, thuruari iri kura
… kahora ….

**** MATUSI STARTTS HERE ****
ii kairitu ndakuhoya uhe, na ndukanjire wi mutune,
ninjui ni mutunihagia ii, na tomato sosi – ngoma ici

kwa Ngai kungiri hakuhi, maraya no tumuthitange,
ciino twaheirwo ni Mwathani, inyuii muratwitia thendi – nugu ici

(STOP)
… tucokere hau ?

====================================================

Murata wakwa uri o haria uri, thikiriria nguhe uhoro
Tondu ringi nongwire kiugo, ngoro yaku ihorere
Muthenya njukagira gwakwa, nguku ya mbere
Ngambiriria kuo na mihang’o, mihang’o ya guetha mbia

(chorus)

Niatia nii ingika mihango inyume,
njukagira nguku ya mbere na thina ndungithira
njukagira nguku ya mbere na thina ndungithira

Uria nii ndikitie kuona, indo cia thii tutikaigania
wagia ngari ukenda ndege,wagia ndege ukenda meri
Uria nii ndikitie kuona, indo cia thii tutingiigania
wagia ngari ukenda ndege, wagia ndege ukenda meri

(chorus)

Niatia nii ingika mihang’o inyume,
njukagira nguku ya mbere na thina ndungithira
njukagira nguku ya mbere na thina ndungithira

Riria uraria ngima na cumbi, ni kuri uraria na nguku
ukiririo ni thina no ararira, indo cia thii tutingiigania
Riria uraria ngima na cumbi, ni kuri uraria na nguku
ukiririo ni thina no ararira, indo cia thii tutingiigania

(chorus)

Niatia nii ingika mihang’o inyume,
njukagira nguku ya mbere na thina ndungithira
njukagira nguku ya mbere na thina ndungithira

Riria uraririo ni kieya, ni kuri uri na “acre” ngiri
ukiririo ni thina no ararira, indo cia thii tutingiigania
Riria uraririo ni kieya, ni kuri uri na “acre” ngiri
ukiririo ni thina no ararira, indo cia thii tutingiigania

(chorus)

Niatia nii ingika mihang’o inyume,
njukagira nguku ya mbere na thina ndungithira
njukagira nguku ya mbere na thina ndungithira

**** MATUSI STARTS HERE ****

Riria uraririo ni nguiko, ni kuri utari ona nuui
ukiririo ni thina no ararira, indo cia thii tutingiigania
Riria uraririo ni nguiko, ni kuri utari ona nuui
ukiririo ni thina no ararira, indo cia thii tutingiigania

(chorus)

Niatia nii ingika mihang’o inyume,
njukagira nguku ya mbere na thina ndungithira
njukagira nguku ya mbere na thina ndungithira

Riria uraririo ni njuiri ya kiongo ya gutuara “Salon”, ni kuri utari ona huyo
ukiririo ni thina no ararira, indo cia thii tutingiigania
Riria uraririo ni njuiri ya kiongo ya gutuara “Salon”, ni kuri utari ona huyo
ukiririo ni thina no ararira, indo cia thii tutingiigania

(chorus)

Niatia nii ingika mihang’o inyume,
njukagira nguku ya mbere na thina ndungithira
njukagira nguku ya mbere na thina ndungithira

Ndagitari araiga huthira KONDOMU, muguruki ungi haha kawangware .. NYAMA KWA NYAMA
ukiririo ni thina no ararira, indo cia thii tutingiigania
Ndagitari araiga huthira KONDOMU, muguruki ungi haha kawangware .. NYAMA KWA NYAMA
ukiririo ni thina no ararira, indo cia thii tutingiigania

(chorus)

Niatia nii ingika mihang’o inyume,
njukagira nguku ya mbere na thina ndungithira
njukagira nguku ya mbere na thina ndungithira

==================================================================================

E múoyo , Jesú e múoyo
E múoyo , Jesú e múoyo
E múoyo , Jesú e múoyo
Nîkîo ndîraina nî tondú e múoyo

Atonyaga thîiniî wa jmburus
agacuca “tusker” cigathira
jmburus akarúgîra Jesú
Nîkîo ndîraina nî tondú e múoyo

E múoyo , Jesú e múoyo
E múoyo , Jesú e múoyo
E múoyo , Jesú e múoyo
Nîkîo ndîraina nî tondú e múoyo

==================================================================================

Nyumba ya Mumbi ndina kieha
tondu muaguga twenjwo githungu
Na nyenji muate maganjo-ini
Mukiuga ni “maendeleo”

Nyina wa Kamau … Na ithe wa Kamau
dwara iria muakomagira
na miaro muakomagira
no hindi ciagia ngunguni..

Mwana angirara gwo-ucuwe
Nguo ciikuhiuhirio maai
Na agatwarwo bafu naihenya
mucii ucio ndukagie na iroboto

Nyina wa Kamau … Na ithe wa Kamau
dwara iria muakomagira
na miaro muakomagira
no hindi ciagia ngunguni..

Mwana heo ngwaci ni ucuwe

ooka agatwarwo thibitari
Naaya ega tarirwo mbecaciringi mirongo itandatu

Nyina wa Kamau … Na ithe wa Kamau
ndanuko cia mitahato
mwatanukiirwo ni nyukwa
no hindi ciagia murimu..

Ciana ici mwaturia Nairobi
Mukiuga ni “maendeleo”
Mwana niarekwo amenye ucuwe
Na mitugo ya njira ciake

Ndukanaconoke .. mbere ya muciari
Riria muguthii gicagi .. mwana waku agakuuria
ngui ino ikuria mirio …
ni ya muhiriga uriku

==================================================================================

Nguandika marua ii , ndumire maitu,
Ndimurie gitumi ii, kia ngurugire
Ndimurie gitumi ii, kia nguhatire
Riria ciana iria ingi, ireka mathabu
kahora mwarimu niwoka muno, ii kahora mwarimu niwoka muno
slow down teacher, you have come too much

Turi kirathi-ini ii, nguite mwarimu
na twakinya guaku ii, ngaguita ndari
ndeto icio niikwario ii, ni athuri atatu
kaba thii ngarime, ndigane nakio
kahora mwarimu niwoka muno, ii kahora mwarimu niwoka muno
Slow down teacher, you have come too much

Kigeranio gioka ii, unjiraga ati
Ndige guithikara ii, niwe mutemi
Tiranithiba (transfer) yoka ii, nii ngarora naku
mutemi wa thano, ti wa themithu
kahora mwarimu niwoka muno, ii kahora mwarimu niwoka muno
Slow down teacher, you have come too much

Kigeranio kioima ii, muceneneko
Ndari ya mwarimu ii, niyo namba imwe
Mundu ari na muka ii, akinanio ndari
Nao aria matari, marorio naku
kahora mwarimu niwoka muno, ii kahora mwarimu niwoka muno
Slow down teacher, you have come too much

Slow down teacher, you have come too much
Slow down teacher, you have come too much

==================================================================================

(English /Kikuyu remix – Ruru ruinagwo kegi yaingiha riria andu marageria kuina “the songs” .. no maraina .. “shongsh” metekumenya

(example = jmburus atigitie micuba iri anine ithanduku)

Kori wa ngoro huthu atia, niwahenirio no ukindiga
Ugikiriganirwo ni wendo, kori wa ngoro huthu atia

Kori wa ngoro huthu atia, niwahenirio no ukindiga
Ugikiriganirwo ni wendo, kori wa ngoro huthu atia

(in drunk broken english .. )

Yu havu a veri simpo hati, yu wara chited and yu refuti mi,
Yu havu fongoteni my ravu, you havu a veri simpo hati

Yu havu a veri simpo hati, yu wara chited and yu refuti mi,
Yu havu fongoteni my ravu, you havu a veri simpo hati

(kyuk)

Ndikwenda kuaria nawe ringi, ndugatume njite maithori
Mwendwa wakwa thii na wega muthenya umwe niurindirikana

Ndikwenda kuaria nawe ringi, ndugatume njite maithori
Mwendwa wakwa thii na wega muthenya umwe niurindirikana

Ndikwenda kuaria nawe ringi, ndugatume ndiitiririe .. “I mean” .. maithori
Mwendwa wakwa thii na wega muthenya umwe niurindirikana

I donti wanti to talk to you mash, yu kani maki me shed my tias
my rava go wero, one day yu wiro rimemba me

I donti wanti to talk to you mash, yu kani maki me shed my tias
my rava go wero, one day yu wiro rimemba me

Chorus..

Kuuma wathii no ukindiga, aa ngoma niwanjikirire
Kuuma wathii no ukindiga, aa ngoma niwanjikirire

Kuuma wathii no ukindiga, aa ngoma niwanjikirire
Kuuma wathii no ukindiga, aa ngoma niwanjikirire

(in kegied and broken english .. )

Sinsi yu wenti andi refuti me, aa devo yu rire puti me
Sinsi yu wenti andi refuti me, aa devo yu rire puti me

Sinsi yu wenti andi refuti me, aa devo yu rire puti me
Sinsi yu wenti andi refuti me, aa devo yu rire puti me

Kunjikira kunjikira, aa ngomaa niwanjikirire
Kunjikira kunjikira, aa ngomaa niwanjikirire

Yu puti me.. you puti me, aa devo yu rire puti me
Yu puti me.. you puti me, aa devo yu rire puti me

ngomaaga ngifogothaga, aa ngoma niwanjikirire
ngomaaga ngifogothaga, aa ngoma niwanjikirire

ngomaaga .. (stop) “Kufogotha guitagwo atia na githingu”
I sleep .. gghhhghhghhhhhh, aa ngoma niwanjikirire

PS: hau hangi ndikwandika tondu Maiko wa Rua niaganire muno, niagwetaga ciugo itagirirwo ni kugwetwo muthenya guakanite riua

==================================================================================

Types of Kikuyus

One from the Archives …

Though I happen to hail from the slopes, I really found this mucene very interesting….

IS IT TRUE??

MURANG’A MEN
Now a Murang’a man is considered the TYPICAL KIKUYU MAN! He’ll whup his wife. He feels that if he doesn’t beat his wife once in a while then he is not really asserting himself as mano of the house. They think that beating their women is one of the ways to show them that they trully CARE.

A Murang’a man, according to Kyuk women is the Number #1, numero uno, UNROMANTIC MAN ALL OVER MUMBI LAND.To him, Romance is something to do
with the Romans in ancient times. This man would not know what to do with a stem of rose. To him, flowers are meant to grow in the wild, and as such, should be left to grow there amongst other “weeds”. He is most likely to be a player-hater, for he does not messy around much coz he sees women in a different way than most men do, simply as children providers!!. He has no time for frivolous affairs. To him, the question is “can she zaa kids for me?” if not, NEXT!…if she can, then he is set.
To a murang’a man, a woman to him is simply “tuoane tuzae”, no more no less. They have no interest in kids. The kids are there only as heirs and dowery providers.
To him, the worst thing his wife/woman can do is rudishia his mother, WEE! A whupping that would echo all over the slopes would cordially be administered.

MURANG’A WOMEN
In Kyuk land, they are considered the IDEAL WIFE. They are so docile, obedient, and meek as a lamb and most of all, good hearted. They are not assertive or aggressive. I guess this is due to fact that they have been put in their place by their men folk. They are considered the best women in marriage. All families from the different tribes of Mumbi pray and hope that their son would marry a Murang’a woman. Coz unlike the hotheads that hail from the slopes of Nyeri, the Murang’a
supuu is quaranteed not to letea them and their son kichwa ngumu. Unfortunately, they are considered to be the least with maendeleo. They cannot maintain or uplift the standards of their household because they are not in charge. They let their men run everything usually leting them make bad decisions that eventually affect everyone in the family. As in if the hazi is making bad financial decisions, they’d not make an effort to say something about it. They would watch him blow the whole thing off without ever trying to put a word of advi
se. Because of being kaliwaad so much bu their hazis, most of the Murang’a women make excellent housewifes.

NYERI MEN

Of all Kyuks, a Nyeri man is considered the ideal husband all over the slopes because they love and spend more time with their kids compared to other kyuk men, they seem to be the only ones that seem to understand the importance of a woman. They are the only ones that trully acknowledge that the woman’s point of view is important too. They are laid back as in they don’t like to be confrontational.
But from women’s point of view, Nyeri men are the least interesting, less adventurous. The fact that they like staying in the background makes them quite boring and dull. Most of these men are ones you’re most likely to find kanyagiwaad by their wives. But word has it that dont ever be fooled by their laid back demeanor coz rubbed he wrong way, they have been know to explode in such a way that would make the phrase “hell knows no fury like…..” sound like a nursery rhyme.

NYERI WOMEN

I Kyuk land, they are the ULTIMATE BYTCHES! period. And I dont mean this in terms of kugawa. They are controll freaks! Nyeri women tawala their men. They are even known to open numerous cans of Whup Ass on their men. They are quite controlling. A Nyeri woman is known to work her husband like a donkey while she’s doing nothing sitting down. Perhaps this explains why their men are all laid back and quite. Word on the street is that a Nyeri woman talks the talk AND walks the walk. i.e. if she tells the hazi ati utalima hizo acre tano leo in the scorching sun, damn right he’ll do it. If she says she’s gonna open a can of W.A. on you, better not take it as an empty threat, you’re damn right she’ll get medevial on your ass.
There is no one thats hated the most in Mumbi land than a Nyeri woman. Other Kyuks cannot stand a Nyeri woman because of her ####yness. Ati a son, brother, uncle is marrying a Nyeri woman?…HELL NO!!!!!..NOT IN OUR FAMILY!!…other Kyuks are known to say. Coz they know their boy will be kanyagiwaad, kama kawaida.
Other Kyuks are known to go at great lengths to sabotage a relationship, even a marriage or anything that involves a Nyeri woman and one of their own regardless of whether wanajuana or not. There would be so much planning and scheming to sabotage the whole thing that would make that superspy, alias James Obondo look like a member of Famous Five or Secret Seven.
But a Nyeri woman is know to built her hao from scratch. I guess this is due to the fact that women can handle money matters better than men. And being a woman that kalias her mano, in the long run a Nyeri woman ends up making her husband richer because of her strict ways of handling finances.

KIAMBU MEN

They are THE LEAST DEVELOPMENT MINDED Kyuks of them all. ((( A note to Kiambu…apparently, most of ya’ll, so I’ve been told, try to identify yourselves with people from Kikuyu area. You know, the rich folks that live there? Uh uhh! Please quit doing that. coz Kikuyu area, though is close to ya’ll, is actually composed of rich Kyuks from Nyeri, Murang’a, Kirinyaga and all other parts of the slopes. Some of ya’ll Kiambu people have been known to pass off as being from Kikuyu.)))
Like I was saying, Kiambu men are known as the least development minded Kyuks of them all. They spend most of their time kwa shopping centers and bars doing bottoms-up. They are known to drink alot. They are alcohol sponges. They are considered TRUE PLAYERS! They all have a little somethin’ somethin’ on the side as in they ALWAYS have a concubine on the side. If one doesn’t have a concubine, he is not considered man enough. They are players and are known to date several women at the same time. This player thing includes even men of cloth that hail from Kiambu. I am talking about the clergy. Yap! Word has it that Kiambu men “do it” only once a week! Thats if they are sober enough. It is said that their blood is saturated with so much alcohol that their women would be lucky to “get some some” even once a week. And if they do it….., well, I will leave that to your imagination. Many wonder how they can have so many women and yet they cannot “do it”. It leaves one to conclude that most women around Kiambu men are there for some other reason and sex being at the very bottom of their list.
Kiambu men when drunk, say, at a party, they are the only black people on earth known to dance WORSE THAN a white man. We are talking about TOTAL LACK OF RHYTHM AND COORDINATION! When they are feeling the grove, you’ll see them noding their heades and just pointing fingers left, right, up, down, side to side. NO! aguy is not counting the number of spots on the floor, ceiling and walls–dude is dancing!

KIAMBU WOMEN
A Kiambu woman will do anything for money. She would not hesitate to be a second or a third wife if the hazi got chapas. The “Kafete” are even known to steal from their own hazis. Ati hazi ameanika koti kwa kiti, aah! si ana pick-pocketiwa na wife, kwani?!
The proximity to Nairobi has made them quite greedy for finer things in life than any other Kyuk women. Actually it is said that of all Kyuk women, the Kiambu women are ones that have chanukiaad the most. A kiambu woman is a spendthrift. She loves spending and have no idea of what the word “saving” means. They’d get a rich boyfriend or husband and run him bone dry making the poor guy broke in no time. Dump him and find another unsuspecting rich man. Thats why maybe, I think, its wrong to say that Kiambu men are the least development minded. Could be coz they cannot do anything with the kind of women they have and maybe the drinking is a way out of their misery—my opinion.
When it comes to matusi, none does it better than a Kiambu woman. They are said to curse using the most vile words under the sun. Unlike, the Nyeri women, Kiambu women are said to talk the talk but CANNOT walk the walk. i.e. They are quite good at making empty threats.

KIRINYAGA MEN AND WOMEN

They considered SHADIEST OF THEM ALL Kyuks, period! Most Kyuks dont even consider them bonafide Kyuks. More like Embu or something.
They have set the standard of Ushadiness so high that it is almost impossible for anyone else to attain. Apparently their shadiness is highlighted the especially if they are from DONDORI! Ati quoro from Dondori is just a gone case. SHAO KABISA! Ati marrying a Kirinyaga, male or female is like bringing another kid in the hao. Some of the things told about the Kirinyagans are just so so demeaning that I am not going to even bother writing them down. But rumour has it that they are such a gone case that they can’t even hit sand from the beach.

Drama as ODM engages Police in Kamukunji .. (from the archives)

Heh heh,,,, this one is from tene

Poleni… despite the fact that we all have freedom of worship and expression I couldnt help but laugh at some of the scenes in the running battles in Kamukunji.

We had just ordered some choma in Njuguna’s and were trying to clear our wild Sato hangies with Cold RedBulls when someone put on the telly and we watched the Drama unfold.. live on TV

Some of the Scenes were too much

Scene 1:

ODM_ motocade has tried kuzunguka into Kamukunji via all means lakini wapi.. so after 30 mins of kuzunguka they pitia huko Burma estate chochoroz and fika at that entrace to kamukunji just nea the shauri moyo bridge. ODM-K motocade tries to drive in with the protestors but are blocked by a big jam of police vehicles … So they start “adresin” the crowd hapo kwa barabara ..

Now … either Peter Odoyo or Orwa Ojode or someone (rounded figure) decides ati since he is an MP and since he has this “God Father” kofia (looking like he is from Texas) ati he can talk sense into the cops.. so he wachas the protesting crowd and walks solo towards the cops telling them tulizeni.. tulizeni..
Just as he fikas 10 metrs from the cops front line… FFFUUUTTUUAAAA PPPPP !!!! a KI-TEAR GAS CANISTER pasukas right infont of his face…
Wacha the doba starts talking in jang’o .. “adwaro ringo 170 sani sani !!!” Then he chomokad .. masaa ya ngilu @ 170 miles per hours..
Aki I didnt jua ODM MPs can run like that he even Overtook Police BLACK MARIA truck …. Upon seeing how the jamma can take off the blocks .. the cops stopped chasing him

Lakini you think the dude didnt stop there ? Bilaz ! … eeii .. .. JESUS !!!.. The jamma put on Gear 6 Auto Drive – Cruise Control… Mbiiooooo !! he sprinted along the river, crossed the field and into the Shauri moyo sheet metal market (where they make jikos) .. across Landhis road, into Muthurwa estate, up the hill , mpaka he ingiad Wakulima Market that is where the doba stopped to checkout the situation… panting.. Journalists and his bodyguards had a had time catching up… bana..

Scene 2:
Fred Ngumo (who was standing through the sunroof of some car) and other ODM jammaz were bisi adresin a crowd when the Nairobi PPO ordered cops to ingia the ka-road behind the ODM motorcade .. completely surrounding the ODM crowd .. BOOOMMMM several tear gas canisters exploded right inside the crowd… I think there were more cops hidden in some bushes on the sides coz nobody expected canister to land near them…

The fumes surrounded the crowd and the Cameras could not see a damn thing .. all we could see was one big cloud of white gas .. .. confusion.. jammazz started chomokaring from the cloud in all directions …
When the clouds kwishad… only Ngumo was standing in the sunroof of his car holding a wet handfkerchief howling a wierd sound “hhhoowwwwwgggghhhhh “… like a Bull being castrated or a thenge that wants some sex.

The surprising thing is that there was not a Jang’o in sight .. zooming the into Ngumo’s car ( a Pajero) … the TV crew managed to film the kindu 40 Jang’os squeezed inside the moti … no wonder Ngomu couldnt get back in … they were squeezing his pebbles ( balls) mpaka they didnt have breathing space .. making him howl out that wierd sound ….. isitoshe he had to persevere the fumes huko inje as jangs dove into his car from all possible entrances ..

Scene 3:
I thought Tony Gachoka was once a university student. ? I thought he should have known that Jeans and snickers are the combat regalia suitable for riots.
Unfortunately the jamaa arrived for the demonstration in a KAUNDA SUIT and Italian shoes…. kwani ni KUBAFF namna gani.. He must have thought it was going to be a walk in the park. Ama was he tuning some chic in the ODM group..
The baga didnt even have a hankerchief.. had to okota some dirty juala on the road to cover his head from the clouds of tear gas.. looking very funny

The Crazy things our mothers used to do

I used to dread catching flu or having blocked nose or chest congestion when I was a small kid …

There was a torturous treatment that mathe used to carry out which still gives me nightmares to date .. aaii bana

She would get a HUGE blanket and hide it in the sitting room .. she would also boil water (red hot) and pour it into a bucket and cover it then she would wait

… as I can in strolling unaware of the the drama about to unfold …. she would shika me hard and before I knew it she would put the blanket over both of us and the bloddy bucket then she would pop a mkebe of Vicks vapour ointment and toss it in the hot steaming water ..

JESUS !!!!

.. the acrobatics involved in that dark blanket .. she would twist me up and literally put my face right in the steam as I struggled to get away from the stuff .. the menthol pungent steam would sting my eyes ears nostrils throat lungs hell even my azz bana .. …

.. yaani after a bout of kindu 10 minutes she would wachilia me and I would chuck 140 mph in any direction .. (mostly into a wall)

Surprisingly though.. the flu would KWISHA HAPO HAPO … Damn !!

That was the craziest thing that mathe used to do ..

Kenyans go wild in the US

This is a story from zamani sana… sent to me via email. Author unknown: Very hilarious

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I was at the cafeteria area at school and there was a guy standing ahead of me who just looked too familiar but I couldn’t point to any corner of my brain to remember him. I was sure he was Kenyan and that we had drowned some alcohol together in kenya at some time in my recent history. I decided to watch for the basic signs of a Kenyan. It took sometime before I saw the first sign. We had been on the line for long and of course everyone was irritated but quiet until the jamaa clicked, those ones of “nthck” or whatever. I now narrowed down my conclusion to African, from stranger…only Africans click. While he was making his order of fries, I heard him ask for tomato sauce, that was the cue. Without further ado, i walked up to him and said, sasa!!
The response was affirmative and soon a healthy conversation ensued. My previous assumption was not right but close. I had indeed met the fellow before. He is the same villain from patch who had broken my ankle during Blackrock Rudge tournement in 96 at saints. Grudges aside, I was glad to meet a Kenyan..at least one person I can catch up with after 3 months of being a monument/public display/New African boy in town/Black boy/Nigger( as some white boys driving a truck onced cursed out at me). I went to my jamaas crib and found 3 more pals lounging sipping on some drink called ice-house. I grabbed one, went through the grilling process of answering various questions… u jua the regular stuff eg how long u been here, etc, and after 10 mins, we all knew someone who knew someone else, who knew who and who, in other words..we assumed we had met at home – as all Kenyans do-. We teremshad those pints from 2 till around 8 pm when I decided to call the peeps I was living with to danganya them that I was going camping with my air-force wing ( I was a cadet in the USAF). These jamaas decided to take me to the local hang out joint which turned out to be a strip club. I won’t describe what I saw but towards close time, we were leaving when we passed a table with a small jamaa wearing a suit with rubber shoes ( a very familiar sight to a Kenyan) with approx 6 strippers around him. I was sharp to recognize a rich Kaleo accent, but neither of my jamaas heard it. I turned around and asked the guy if he was Kenyan..the jamaa went ballistic jumping on all of us full of hugs, etc. He said he’d been living in a nearby town for 3 yrs and had never met a Kenyan. I guess there was now 2 new peeps in the crowd. He told us that the only place he knew in Champaign was that strip club. He seemed like a spender coz he had strippers all over him, he later told us he was a professional runner, and that as a matter of fact he had just won some race somewhere and had 25,000 dollars in his pocket. He said he never trusted banks and carried all his cash around because money always got him women. My pal from school and I decided to ride with him following the other car we came with. We were headed back to the crib.
As we got on to the highway, my pal and I were quick to notice that our new pal whom I choose to call kem was driving erratically. In the first place, he had no drivers license, no insurance, and had no license plates. Upon inquiry, he told us that he just bought the car 4 hours earlier—cash-, and that he’d never driven a car before, never even riden a bicycle before. That’s when the knees started shaking. He also mentioned that he came from Nandi straight to the US for a race, then vanished from camp. To make things worse, he had come across BET which would be some serious issues as concerns someone who hadn’t seen alot of the headstarts others had. He had extended his seat all the way backwards and was seriously cripple driving aka leaning. Even worse, the car was a stick shift so think of this, you’ve never driven a car, or riden a bike, then you make $$ one day, buy a stick shift and the first place you drive to is a strip club. Apparently, the car dealership was across from the club. ( in the past, a roomate who had now moved out used to drive him there).The car was going off every 3 seconds, and he wouldn’t let any of us drive. The lead car had now vanished, my jamaa from school was blazed and didn’t care about what was happenning, as a matter of fact, he couldn’t remember where he lived. Our Nandi friend Kem wouldn’t let me drive at all, he told me, ” My friend chust led me trife this mashine, you haf triven many ears, let me learn”. I cursed the minute I decided to gas this Kenyan jamaa, everything was now very screwed up, my life was hanging in my hands.
My pal from school, who was the co-pilot had his full attention on the car radio. It had been 20 mins, we had only gone a few feet. I forcedly gave him a few tips on how to balance the clutch and accelerator which he picked up on and kanyagad that thing. Only problem was that he refused to change the gear from 2 to 3 because he said he never wanted the car to go off. I had really freaked out. I struggled to recall my memory to my pal’s crib and told Kem to turn into a certain street. The car was on gear 2 and going 40 miles an hour so you don’t wanna imagine the noise involved. I was giving the clutch 30 more seconds before burning out when the car suddenly stalled by an alley . He got out of the car, walked into the alley to piss and soon came out running. I soon found out why. There was a parked cops car there and they’d spotted him and put on the full christmas light and were driving behind him. The fool, jumped into the car, tried to start it, but panic disabled him from being able to balance the clutch. The cops parked facing us, all the spotlights trained in our direction, that’s when the real drama began…mind you, he had never been pulled over by a cop. This was a night I would never forget…………………

Officer: Sir I’m not as stupid as you think I am, I saw you switch places with this other guy here
Kem: Officer, I have peen sleeping for the last dwendy minids
My Jamaa from school: ( foolishly bursts out laughing)
Officer: ( very annoyed at this point addresses my jamaa) Ok Sir, since you want to be the cover sheet for your friend there, i will have no choice but to arrest the two of you..a..
My Jamaa: What have I done?? you want to arrest me for sitting in my car??
Officer: You look intoxicated…your eyes are red and hazy ( the officer then turns to Kem) and you sir, what were you looking for in the alley? this is a notorious spot for drug trafficking. Were you by any chance trying to buy drugs??
Kem: No sir, I am not rich enough to buy trucks but I bought my car today
( At this point I’m thinking to myself…ohh s**t!! oh s**t!!!. Two back up squads have been brought and I could tell one was a K9 unit because I could hear the dog barking)
Officer: I’ll be right back. ( the cop goes to fetch the k9)
Kem:( turns to my jamaa and I): Haki huyu polisi ni mjinga aje, anasema ati hapa kuna truck traffick, hebu angalia hiyo njia uniambie ata kama matatu inaweza toshea!! na anasema ati trucks hupita hapo. Na hata zikipita hapo, what is de broplem with me being there? fery sdupit.
My jamaa, who has been quiet all along starts talking incohorently to himself about how he’s getting annoyed etc. At this point I realise I’m dealing with not only one but two psychos. The cop comes back to the car)
Officer: Sir, can I see your driver’s license??
My jamaa: Let me see yours first
Officer: Sir I’m in no joking mood, I’ve been patient enough with you guys, you are being uncooperative, I can’t understand a word the other guy is saying. I will ask you one more time…can I see your drivers license and registration? the car also doesn’t seem to have license plates. Who’s car…..

My Jamaa: WILL YOU F*** OFF!!!!!!!!!
… The officer instantly yanks the door open, pulls my jamaa out , whips out handcuffs and twists his arms round. My jamaa turns the other way, punches the cop in the face, then delivers a sweep, then starts trying to handcuff the cop saying, ” ehh how does it feel to be handcuffed ehh??. All doors fly open from the other squad cars, dogs are released everywhere, guns are out, soo much noise etc. Kem panics when he sees the dogs, tries to exit the car but doesn’t know how to operate powerlocks so scrambles out through the open window and tears down that screaming woooooooooiiiiiiii woooooooooiiii mbwa!! mbwa!! mbwa!! wooooooiiiiiiiiii ( I’m sure you all know that Kenyan men scream louder than women). The k9 was on him in a minute. On this other end, approx 20 cops had descended on my jamaa and were landing the full blows and kicks on him mercilessly. The cop who tried to arrest him…… who was a female, had passed out on the site. By this time, I could swear all the cops in the city and precinct had been paged/called because the whole street was sealed off and there were over 20 racks, sooo many guns drawn. As scared as I was, I felt some relief because I had innocently sat in the car quietly but that was nothing………these jamaas had screwed me up. I was pulled out of that car by my neck, punched and kicked in the abdomen, and in a few minutes, the three of us were in a holding cell getting our asses beat. never believe the hype that cops don’t beat.  .. They beat bad….they only hit your abdomen, and other parts that don’t swell so there’s no proof. By the time 2 hours had gone by, I couldn’t even stand up, I was coiled over due to pain. Kem was cuddled in a corner crying and talking in Nandi. My jamaa was in a totally different cell in shackles round his wrists, ankles, etc. Kem and I were released in the morning. We called the other peeps who came to the station to check on us. We got the info on my jamaa, when he was going to court, etc. He was to remain in Jail, no bail, etc. He later got released after a few months on probation, fines, house arrest, and community service. As for us, we rode back to my pal’s crib all sore, no one was talking. We got into the house, sat down on the sofas, everyone looking serious. Then Kem finally spoke : “What is the plan for today? let’s go have a few drinks”

The “deadliest” Drink that I have ever taken

I remember we used to have these impromtu bashes in uni .. where some thirsty alcoholics would come up with any flimsy reason to hold a bash eg . Some chap would say that It was his Grand-ma’s birthday or a pre-graduation bash (meanwhile the guy is in 2nd year – 3 more to go) or some crazy fellow would just imagine that he has received dowry for his unborn daughters… BUT the BASH that fuatad would be a TOTAL ROCK PARTY complete with DJ, a barman and a few goats to roast.

I remember we used to contribute about 3k each and in a space of 4 to 6 hours MAX… someone would run for beer in AFCO stores, another for a few goats from the butchery, another for a gunia of makaa . Others would gather all the CDs and tapes and hook up private amplifiers and systems in a daisy chain plus everyones speakers combined and come up with a lethal 800 MEGA WATT BOOM BOX. The gals would spruce up the venue and make some kachumbari and mukimo/ ugali to go with the nyama choma. I would go down for the hard drinks and a bit of chang’aa .

Dont laugh ! I am BLODDY serious .. YES ! I.. James Mburu would go down to negotiate with those Mama Pimas for the best chang’aa in 2 X 20litre mitungis. Yaani the kind that is 99% ethanol.. if you put a drop the back of on your hand it would evaporate instantly… if you lit a bit of it on a bottletop it would burn in a BLUE flame.. (btw I got an A in Chemistry so I know what is the creme de la creme when it comes to pure ethanol)

Back in uni where a the venue had been set up by the chics we would put the cham in a huge tumbler…sometimes a bucket then pour in some six to ten bottles of smirnoff vodka RED lable , then pour in a crate of soda water or ginger ale or club soda to bubble it , add 5 litres of a sweetener eg (fresh lime or pineapple or apple juice) then a bucketful of crashed ice and mix them thoroughly… sometimes we would sprinkle lemon slices or dhania and onions rings on top of the cocktal so that the pieces floated around like hyacinth.. We would get a bottle of Guiness or Johnny walker drill a small hole on the top insert a flow metre then hang it or suspend it inverted ON TOP of the cocktail so that it literally DRIPPED (drop by drop) into the already DEADLY concotion at a very slow rate. We would then chill the entire mixture till about 8pm when the bash would start KICKING !!! During the bash it would be placed under UV light to give it an exotic or “technological” look. Someone would throw in a ladle (sp) or a soup serving spoon… … watu wajisaidie.. so as one walked around …one would fetch a glass, then using the soup spoon..push away the dhanias and onions then pour oneself some …

…the chics never used to last two hours max on that shyte .. before she give you kila kitu.. including her bra (ile amevaa hapo) to go hang in your room as a souvenoir

The chaps… dont go there…

BOSS !! … to say the truth I imbibed copius amounts of that “concotion” ONCE only !… I was a fresher then… very naive and STUPID…. NA kutoka siku hiyo SIJAWAHI KUJARIBU HIYO KITU TENA !. I will not go to the explicitly NUDE details of what happened… BUT I will tell you that RIGHT NOW that there is a 16 hour GAP in my life that I CANNOT account for TILL TODAY…. YET at the time I was NOT Blacked OUT (as in bed or asleep) … AAII ! YAWA !!!
The people around me told me that I was walking, talking, dancing normally… They also told me OTHER GRAPHIC details of the MOST hilariously EMBARASSING deed of my life which I WILL NOT TELL !!!

That shyte concotion was christened… “The Mongolian Bar-Be-Que Sauce” coz there was once a THICK chap (who incidentally logs onto facebook nowadays) who tried to marinate a “mguu ya mbuzi” in that concotion in a seperate container. He then proceeded to put it on the nyamachoma jiko ati to roast it… .. BOOOOOMMMM !!!! haiya ! the mguu exploded into flames… and instead of the idiot pouring the water he had on it… he panicked and babbled incoherently for a couple of seconds before he scooped it and ran @ 140 miles per hour towards the campus kitchen which was 1 KM away…. only to find it closed ! Forko jembe KABISA.. !!
I wonder where some people did their chemistry .. needless to say the alcohol in the thing burnt it to black char… even the dogs didnt want a piece of it….

So there…. I WILL NOT SAY the VITUKOs that TOOK place … but that shyte was the DEADLIEST I have ever drank…

The metamorphosis of a Kenyan Drama Queen

Disclaimer
I know I will create a great many enemies here coz of this research … but I have to get it off my chest. It is in the spirit of humour so if I mention your name or something close to it … just laugh .. it doesnt refer to you and it is not meant to offend u at all… All the characters herein mentioned are ficticious.
Are u ready ? .. here we go
I will not go into many details but I will start with the little sweet Kenyan gal in her childhood all the way to her golden years. I will discuss it in consecutive chapters within this paper.

Chapter 1: Princess have-it-my-way
She is in her childhood to teenage years .. and she is normally the last born of a well to do family and last but most important is that she is daddy’s gal. At her tender age she already knows which emotional blackmail buttons to push on her parents.
For example from when she is 5 till she is 18 and her birthday is round the corner .. daddy has no choice but to get a birthday cake, sodas, crisps, popcorn, a small band, queen cakes and all the sweets into the compound on the day where she has invited all her school mates.
To get daddy to do that u will hear a storo like “ Daddy … but Esther (daughter of a family friend) had her birthday in Splash .. we were all invited and they had a big cake and sweets … blab bla bla …” ..Daddy not wanting to be out done just unleashes the VISA card … get my drift …
Another example is when they are shopping with Mum .. they pitia a boutiques that has those trendy short skirts .. Mummy goes “ Hell no !!!” the little gal sulks and in between her sobs she tells mummy that Joan of the Kariuki’s arrived at the garden party with the same skirt … . The scheming beauty of that ka-statement is that Mrs. Kariuki and Mummy are kinda silent enemies .. u know .. the usual jealousy between women … each trying to out-do the other when it comes to family .. So mummy goes “Is that so ..? .. lets go and try it out .. “ .. They end up not only buying the skirt but also shoes, a nice shawl top and earrings to match … after all it all on daddy’s credit card (poor jamaa)
Bottomline is that she will always get what she wants … these are the signs of a drama queen in the makin…

Chapter 2: Miss “kujiskia sana”
Now she is over 18 but below 27…
.. her string of jamaaz takes over daddy’s jobo of organizing birthday parties and unleashing VISA cards…
PS …. and not just any jamaa , he has to fikisha the floss level of having a merc or a bima, nice apartment, and an appetite of bar hopping into all the tendy night spots … not to enjoy himself .. BUT for the chic to “be seen” there… ..
The Female Floss Power involved at the time is wild … If you ask her what perfume she is wearing .. we are talking of Givenchy kuendele juu .. of course si u jua the financier .. The shoes were bought in London, sijiu Gold earrings from Dubai na mambo ingine mengi…
Usually such mamaz know they are very marketable and they change jammaz like tampons .. BUT note .. if she kosanad with her jamaa the story is that she dumped him.. period ! usijaribu kusema anything otherwise you will be somewad a msomo u never heard b4.
Another thing is that they are usually in a good job, living in upmarket areas and driving a serious moti…
The most visible phenomenon is that these are the so called ” Liberated Women” .. for example..
1…. Kawa women want to be taken out, talked to (even if it sweet nothings) nicely, told that they look beautiful, that they are loved etc etc,,… Generally treated nicely the way they deserve to be treated.
BUT with all this breed of “miss kujiskia sana” mamaz doesnt want mob storoz… They get impatient and prefer the business-like “get to the point” approach even in social scenes..
2. …. They don’t want to be asked out ati so that they play shy and HARD to get – apana … If you are her current jamma and you dont take them OUT on Friday… with or without invitation… utaona !
3. …. They don’t want the jamma to pull a seat for them in a restaurant, – That is taken to be some form of oppression. This particular species pulls her own seat and promptly tells the male waiter that the seat has dust on it .. “Kwani is this restaurant this low class ? ” with matharau… Her escort has to agree or else…
4. …. They don’t want to be dropped home after making out in the car on the first date, – ..If you are the jamaa and you dont shika shika and kula the thing hapohapo …the you are not a REAL MAN. Utaskia rumours huko inje.. “aaahh leave that one alone… I thought he was an animal ..lakini he is just a teddy bear… ”
5. .. Don’t make a mistake and think she will cook for you. NADA ! hapo umenoa. She will NEVER go out of her way to cook her jamma sumptuous dinner of spare ribs in mint sauce and roast potatoes and a bottle of red wine just to impress him,
– If such a suggestion came by you will here the jamaa being told .. … “I cant cook”, ” “I am NOT your mboch” “Women dont belong to the Kitchen”, ” am not yr mama” aiii bana !
6…. these breed of mamaz DO NOT take wine .. they prefer 2 doubles GLEN- something on the rocks – NEAT, alafu baadaye another two doubles for the road… If you are still a laid-back jamma who takes his quiet beer bila mambo mob .. chief ! … you will be picking the tab while still wondering what the fack is Glendronach
8… If she happens to live with the jamaa she will NOT stoop low into grooming her jamaa for example straightening his tie while looking into his eyes lovingly, – U will hear the jamaa being admonished “tumia kioo brother, kama huwezi nunua ile tie ya elastic. eeiii Chief .. bana…
9 . She smokes some rare sigara .. the kind that comes from Turkey or some exotic tobacco .. Isitoshe she and already juas which grade of WEED is good for yr sexual performance, and how it tastes. Utachoka na wao bana..
10. .. her dress code is not smart .. apana .. it has to be STUNNING and EXPENSIVE! period ! kama sivyo .. it’s a rug …. I dont even know why they bother to buy clothes. The size of material used to make skirts for these mamaz is inversely proportional to the cost of the skirt. The higher the cost the more fashionable it is…
Miniskirts these days are actually as long as the height of the belt used to fasten them…yaani the hem is sooooooo close to the waist mpaka u think she is just wearing the belt ONLY !!
If you are jamaa and you are looking for a wife .. please tafadhali .. do not link up with these type .. u will live to regret …

Chapter 3: Tired Thirty Yeared
Now the mama had fikad that ka-stage where she realises that her market potential has kwishad because there is serious compe from newly graduated chics straight from colle into a hot job, better figure , has a twang .. etc etc.
She is now between 26 and 32 … All the jammaz who she used to date have fled…
She is desperate for a husband now that the biological clock is ticking .. BUT she still has remnants of BAD HABITs she took on when she was a miss kujiskia sana.. They have this knack of getting into the nerves of jammaz without saying a word..
She has lost that slim figure now .. she is abit more rounded and lines of experience begin to etch themselves on her face…
I dont know how to explain this but the below example is of one of them whi I took out some time in 2006 .. You remember that storo …. Here is how it went ..

Chic: (calls jmburus .. my friend) “Hello… Sasa Jamo.. its Sato bana.. si we do some nyama ?”
jmburus: Thinking he will get some that night quickly agrees… “Sawa sweetie.. how about buffet park Shall I pick u at 2 ?”
Chic: Sawa.. laterz.
(jmburus amukas from Friday’s hengies , showers , jeans n polo shirt, pockets a pack of condoms , then drives to the chics crib..
So at 2-ish they drive into Buffet park and pitia the butchery to order the nyaks.
jmburus (to chic) : So what do u want to have .. ?
Chic: just anything…
(aki these women are just thick at times… sasa hiyo ni jibu gani)
jmburus (to butcher): Weka hizo mbavu , kilo moja na nusu , choma, … ikuje na kachum… *..**
(chic interrupts jmburus ! )
chic: APANA eeiishh ! Si you know I dont eat goat meat
(jmburus thinks to himself… ” Really !… then why didnt you say so in the first place, nugu hii”)
jmburus: (To chic) How about beef then ?
chic: Its ok so long as it is not fat and not the legs. I dont like mathunya
(jmburus looks away and rolls eyes up .. thinks to himself… “ati fat, you are already carrying a 40 kilo MATAKO, surely … 2 grams of fat are negligible)
jmburus: (to an already impatient butcher) basi si unitafutie ngombe haina mafuta.
(butcher chucks a ki-nice piece from the hangers hapo nyuma and holds it up for mburus to see)
jmburus: weka hiyo nione…
(as the butcher is weighing it on the scale.. chic point at a small ,.. very very small piece of fat on the meat)
chic: Hiyo iko na mafuta mingi sana, tuonyeshe ingine…
(butcher curses .. under his breath)
(other hungry buyers who are waiting hapo kando start fidgeting)
(jmburus feels like he should just have ordered chipoz from the petrol station they pitad on their way in)
(chic points at a fresh carcass of meat … somewhere near where the meat is hanging from such that is impossible to extract a piece without the entire carcass falling down on the floor)
Chic: kata pale …
butcher: hapo haiwezekani mama .. kula hii ndio fiti
(butcher attempts to return the piece back on the scale)
Chic: Apana !.. Hauna nyama zingine kwa store…
jmburus: (to chic) lets do this… let him fry that one, I will eat the mathunya pieces ama… ?
chic: OK
jmburus: (to butcher) Fanya iwe fry na uweke nyanya, dhania na spinach. Ongeza ugali mbili…
chic: (to jmburus) .. Ugali ? me I dont want ugg.. Dont they have chipos.
chic: (to butcher) leta na ugali moja na chips mbili
(jmburus thinks to himself… no wonder the butt is 40Kgs.. sasa u avoid animal fat then u kula half a gunia of chipoz .. talk about nyani haoni kundule)
Butcher: KAMAU !!! Oya nyama ino ! ni furae , na wikire nyanya, dhania na spinashi. ndugekire waaru..
(butcher pins the meat with a tag and tosses it to kamau in the kichen behind him)
Butcher : Sawa… shika resiti .. namba yako ni 53.. Itachukwa ithaa moja …
jmburus pays the butcher and chukuwas the receipt and tag
So we enter the open space of the club and sit down. Waiter comes , jmburus orders his cold Tusker, chic orders her malt..
We kunywa kidogo.. storoz panda… then there is this mama who pitaz a tray of oil oozing samosas , sausages and mshikakis..
Chic: we psst ppstt nipe samosa mbili na hiyo nini …
jmburus: (shocked).. haiya si u wait for the meat..
Chic: I will still kula the meat…
jmburus: ok
(and she proceeds to kula 2 samoz and 3 mshikakis)
One hour 20 minutes later .. the Waiter comes round with maji moto for washing hands.. we wash our hands and the the meat checks in with the chipos and the Ugali all hot steaming and looking nice…
“Bonne Appetit” ! .. Karibu Nyama ” … Jmburus invites the mama and thinks to himself.. now she will really shiba…
LAKINI WAPI !
Yaani after all that shiet, she just hen pecks about the platter of meat here and there BUT proceeds to maliza the 2 plates of chipoz having eaten only 3 pieces of nyama.
As if that is NOT ENOUGH … 3 minutes later:
Chic: tsk! tsk! chief…tsk! tsk! Waiter ! niletee serviettes pliz..na toothpicks
jmburus: (cursing silently ) why arent you eating nyama….
chic: I have shibad deadly plus I started feeling my ulcers … Si u jua the way they can be nasty..
(without another word jmburus proceeds to kula what he can and asks waiter to pack the rest of the meat in a juala)
Jmburus patias waiter the now wrapped remaining meat to peleka to his car …
… Then he fungulias the carburattor (sp ) “LETA TUSKER mbili na MALT Mbili” as they wait for the Arsenal Match coming on the screens in about 20 mins..
Beers, Storoz, the game…. more beer flows… After kindu like 2 hours… to the amazement of jmburus…
Chic: tsk! tsk! chief…tsk! tsk! niitie yule mama wa sambusa…
…(jmburus closes his eyes and thinks silently… we should just have headed to Topaz..Fish n chips… )
PS: Conclusion : TABIA MBAYA … That was the last time Jamo took her out. !

Chapter 4: Drama Queen Proper
Here she is above 35, married to an unfortunate jamaa and rules the house with an iron fist. Her entire life now is just PURE DRAMA.
These kind of mamaz now have a university degree like BSc Animal Husbandry, MSc,(Nairobi) Phd. (Warwick)
NOTE: put emphasis on the word “HUSBANDRY”
You can all guess who the animal is … ( the unfortunate husband)
I think I will just go into the examples so that you can see the DRAMA involved ..

EXAMPLE 1
This is a storo of a jamaa called Kamau Maina
and his wife Her Excellency, Mrs. Mama-Kali Maina BSc (Hons), MSc, PhD Animal Husbadry… EBS.
.. so some time ago kamau fikas home from the pub after curfew hours having bought a box of chocolate .. ati za kujitetea .. he parks the car and ingias the digs all smiles.. pretending to be the caring GENTLEMAN etc etc ..this is how it went…
Kamau: “Hi honey…”
(with open hands… and proceeds to approach her so that he can kiss her cheek)
SSSLLLLLAAAAAAPPPPPP!!!!!!!!
(Kamau’s face meets a SOLID SLAP.. the kind that chucks SPARKS)
Kamau: “What the f….”
WHAAAAPPPPPPPP !!!!!!!!
(a nyahunyo whip cracked on kamau’s back….. kamau senses Kumethúka !! and chucks to the end of the room @140mph)
… DRAMA BROKE LOOSE.
Mama Kali: “WHERE HAVE U BEEN NA WHO HAVE U BEEN WITH ? EH? WHO IS SHE ???!!!”
Kamau: (stammering) ” err err err hapa tu sweetie ?”
WHAAAAPPPPPPPP !!!!!!!! (a nyahunyo whip cracks near kamau)
JESUS !!
He was handcuffed and locked up in the cell and given a 3 hour lecture.
(By the way, she has a cell in the house where she locks up culprits and felons (aka husband) who come home late and drunk )
As if that wasn’t enough Kamau was made to swear with a bible in his right hand that
” Mimi Kamau Maina,… naapa ya kwamba nitakua muaminifu kwa Rais wa Nyumba hii, Mheshimiwa Mrs. Mama-Kali Maina na nitailinda Katiba ya nyumba hii kwa mujibu wa sheria iliyowekwa na Mrs. Maina, na nitatekeleza kazi zangu kama Makamu wa Rais, bila mapendeleo yeyote kwa GACHUNGWA ama MWANAMKE ama mwengine ……… EWE MWENYEZI MUNGU NISAIDIE. ”
After being SWORN IN…. he was sentenced to 7 hours in the cell DAILY, for a month, without food and water. Sex was postponed to August 2009. No possibility of parole.
He tried to appeal the next day with chocolate and flowers, but he didn’t get anywhere.
With all time to spend in the cell ,Kamau was inspired and actually wrote a book about his life and experiences … The book is titled ..
…”LIVING WITH A DRAMA QUEEN” .
That book served as a literature review for this research.

EXAMPLE 2
This one happened juzi tu on the 2nd of January 2006 after a ushering in the new year
On that day some drama took place that shocked the daylights out of the ka-local pub where I indulge in Tusker baridi. We were waiting for the Liverpool match with a number of chaps.. The bar was not very crowded and everyone was talking about the Orange/banana wrangles and about them being obsolete… as we sipped the cool booze..
Punde si punde .. some chicks checked in and greeted the jammaz.. those who are close.. a ka-hug or peck on the cheeks… others a warm handshake.. “happy new year” “how was shags ?” etc etc..
There was this chic who walked in last.. looking detatched from the group. She actually WAS NOT with them.. but the jammaz didnt notice that fact.. everyone was busy hugging, pecking and admiring the diffrent sizes of juicy thuthas as the chics swaggered into the bar
So this “last” chic shakes the hand of the first guy, second guy, third guys .. then WWWHHHAAAPPPPPP!!!!! she SLAPPED the fourth jamaa soooo HARD that I was sure I heard echoes ricocheting off the walls . YAANI.. I am talking about the kind of SLAP that chucks sparks DAMN !
Then she screamed at the jamaa “TOKA INJE SAA HII !!!” .. .. “HAPA NDIO UNAKUJA KUSHIKASHIKA WANAWAKE WENGINE ? EH ?”
WWWHHHAAAPPPP !!!! another 40kg SLAP landed on the jamaa.. who was still groggy .. recovering from the first onslaught..
Then she turned to us ….. “NYINYI NDIO MUNAHARIBU BWANA YANGU ?” … the ferocious look on her face was enough to send me , my jamaaz, the barman and the other tu-chics scampering for safety ..
That is when we put two n two together and guessed that this was the WIFE of the jamaa… The jamaa was then frog matched outside .. after which we came out of our hiding holes.. asking tha barman if .. “Mama ametoka ?”.
..The storos after that centred on how “mamas ” have become bad bad bad…
THOSE ARE THE SO CALLED DRAMA QUEENS

Chapter 5: Drama Cucus
This category is well beyond menopause but they they perpetually in BITCH MODE 24 /7 .. the people who get the brunt of this BITCH MODE are the unfortunate tu-daughters and tu-sons in law.
The husband will usually have grown ear plugs over the years and will have learn how to ignore the mama when she erupts occasionally …

Now let me pen off here and wait for my kifo